johnny rottin'

tiki oasis

2008-12-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

tiki oasis!
tiki oasis!
tiki oasis!

p.s. this doesn't really mean much, i'm just messing with google. pay no attention to the football player behind the british rock band.

haulin' oats

2008-11-11T08:40:00.001-08:00

apparently the song "i can't go for that" was not about facial surgery. ew.

i got your stimulus package right here

2008-05-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

anyone got your pound of flesh yet? i haz not.
what ya gonna do with it?

i think maybe i'll splurge on being LESS in hock to the credit card companies.

whee! i'm stimulated!

squirrels suck, they are rats with bushee tails

2008-04-08T06:10:00.001-07:00

listen, i am gonna be straight up about this, i hate squirrels. people are all like, 'aww, they are cute, wook at their bushy wittle tails. '

stfu!

they are no better than rats, they scavenge and funk chit up, they dig up our bulbs, and just his morning i saw how they were getting on to our bird feeder - by jumping from our flagpole onto the feeder!

and they were chewing up the end of the flag!

freaking al-qaida squirrels!

they are NOT CUTE, you should RUN OVER THEM when you CAN.

ahhh... journey in my head

2008-03-14T12:54:00.001-07:00

journey is in my head! i can't escape!

what i have learned

2008-03-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

while attempting to help spouse edit copy for her business website, do not deliver a reading of it in the style of mitch hedberg.

if it ain't barak...

2007-07-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

i hate politics, but if they afford me the chance to make a mr. t joke, i'm all over it.

simpsonized for your protection

2007-07-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

hah, you can go to the website for the new simpsons movie and make a simpsons avatar version of yourself.

then you can take a tour around springfield. amuzin' enuf...

lots of iron[y] in the water

2007-07-20T04:52:00.000-07:00

irony:

yesterday: i went to a seminar about water conservation. it mentioned that the average american uses 62 gallons of water per day per person.

last nite: we lost the water supply to our house.

today: i use ZERO gallons per person. bringin' that average way down.

news flash, comcast sucks...

2007-07-11T06:16:00.001-07:00

for 1) primarily interweb connection and 2) cable and/or voip, do you all have any feasible alternatives to comcasticism?

we're gettin pretty tired of their sucky jerkin with us.

nailed

2007-06-25T07:42:00.001-07:00

my better half was on a roll this weekend with the funnies.

the best one occurred after we were busy gettin' busy ~ the phone rang and were were all like, 'i ain't getting that.'

a bit later she star 69'ed (heh- that sounds funny in this context) and called back - it was her dad. her excuse to him was - 'we couldn't get to the phone, i was holding something up while john was nailing it.'

ROFL!

pienography

2007-06-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

the computer i'm using here has some dumbass filter called "sonicWALL content filter service."

it's so dumb.

the above photo from my pie blog gets some quasi BSOD and says: Reason for restriction: Forbidden Category "Pornography"

wtf? lol!

paris to baltimore: swim across the atlantic ocean 5,572 km

2007-04-03T08:23:00.000-07:00

heheh lookit instruction #20

google maps is wacky guys.

please shoot me now

2007-03-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

i have "one night love affair" by bryan adams in my cranium right now. i swear i haven't heard this song for months if not years. whiskey tango foxtrot?

my big dairy air

2007-03-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

this here is an example of a product i do NOT need...

pocket piggie

2007-03-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

okay so it's nothing new to kvetch about cell phones. we all know they reinforce rude behaviour and create stupid noise pollution.

but cellphones on vibrate - you ever notice how the sound like little piggie oinks when they go off?

"oink oink oink!" "hello? hi, honey..."

never buy the service plan from best buy

2007-01-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

there may be instances where the service plan they try to pawn off on you at best buy actually benefits the consumer, but i haven't run across that yet. what a freaking scam ~ has it ever benefitted you? i like this "buy our insurance, and whenever you come to get something fixed we have a reason we won't" policy.

the dollar solution for global warming

2007-01-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

i can't imagine a topic more dreary than the weather, and with everyone walking around this past month with the "global warming" mantra on their lips, i was puting my fingers in my ears and going "laaalaaaalaaalaaaicant'hearyou..."

however this morning i had a saganesque stroke of genius... or maybe just a stroke.

remember all that stuff in the late 80's and 90's about a nuclear winter? heel yeah! anyways with the middle east about to conflagrate and burn themsives into glass, they'll probably throw up plenty particulate matter into the atmosphere to turn us back into a nice frosty globule! it'd be a freebie for everyone!

i'm gonna start stockpiling marshmellows and cocoa for my fallout shelter starting today.

meh. bird died.

2006-12-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

our pet cockatiel warwick died today.

i had her since 1994.

i guess 12 is a good life for a cockatiel.

it's still sad. we go drink beers now.

girl u know it's know it's true

2006-11-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

my favorite banner ad of the year

2006-11-20T05:22:00.000-08:00

addendüm:

1) i thought it was weird that whatever program that determines what kind of pretty girl you might want to meet decided that since i was in the city i wanted to meet someone from a outside the city limits. so if it had said owings mills i woulda found it just as strange

2) how does the ad program know i want to meet girls? chromosome / orientation sensor?

3) the stock photos just don't capture the vibe of the area they purport to be from.

4) who tries to hawk 'pretty girls?' they might as well have said 'hey joe me love you longtime'

the joys of home pwnership

2006-11-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

rain = water in basement.

arrrrrgh.

the bare minimum amount of flair

2006-11-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

here's the formula:

flair bartending = poop

unless bartender drops bottle, then

flair bartending = LOL

constitutional assmendment

2006-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

i have heard numerous peoples say (me not being one of them), "ah! i must take my morning constitutional!!!" and proceed to have themselves some quality time.

alright, in know what it means, but what does it meeeean?

defecating is a constitutional right? like benjamin franklin was all, "the british did not allow us to poop, now you can poop!"

or,

your physical constitution is made up of among other things, da poop? when you go it's constitutional?

now if you feel compelled to respond, drop all the patriot act is satan stuff, i'm more interested in things like WHAT THE HELL THIS EXPRESSION MEANS...

not feeling so fresh today...

2006-11-07T06:31:00.000-08:00

i'm really not a big fan o' politics.

so do what you have to do, but please excuse me if i ignore anyone's in-depth discussions :D

some ducked up shizzz

2006-10-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

word to the wise: if you over order the duck enchiladas at nacho mama's, be prepared for the gastric repercussions the next day. i.e., make sure you can ditch out of the restroom before any co-workers see you :P

addendüm: they duck enchiladas are totally tasty, and the gastric repercussions are more of the environmental than painful variety. so it's worth it. just sayin'.

i'll see if you're in the computer

2006-09-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

i know it's merely verbal laziness that has led to an asstastic expression, but how often do you get someone saying,

'i'll see if you're in the computer...' ?

i ain't in no computer, honey. perhaps my INFORMATION is in a computer DATABASE, but as far as me? no, i'm pretty sure's i'm not digital informati0100100101001010010

1010010101010010000101001010

1001001011010011010100101010100

0101010001110100101001

office fartimation

2006-09-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

so we've moved into a new office space, which is all well and good. i believe you took my stapler.

it's a nice place, we designed it ourselves.

buuutt... (and it's a big butt) there's a little bug to be worked out with the hvac system. in the conference room, which is not far within earshot of my desk, there is some kind of relay that is supposed to control airflow. but instead of a nice little *click*, it goes *clclclclclclclclclclclclick* which sounds exactly like a whoopie cushion. like every 20 minutes.

i'm sure that's gonna go over great when having client meetings. like a lead fart.

mom provides shocking information

2006-09-12T04:24:00.000-07:00

"PS. Hey Boys!, It would be a great act of charity if each of you would e-mail or call your Dad at least once a week. He would love it. He's not going to live forever. "

whaaaa - HE'S NOT???

ahhhhhh, mimes!!!

2006-09-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

i thought i was goin to have a stress-free friday until i saw a co-worker DRESSED LIKE A MIME!!! how can you wear black slacks and a striped shirt and not realize you are treading the slippery slope of mimedom?

noww i'm all freaking out that the mimes are going to sneak up and take me away. STAY BACK or i'll put you in an INVISIBLE BOX!!!111

[lou rawls]pollen's in the air...[/lou rawls]

2006-08-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

wondering why you might be sneezing like matthew schmiesing? observe the following email alert i got from a mega pharm conglomerate:

"Your Allergy Alert(TM) For Aug 24, 2006:

---------------------------------

Be prepared for allergies today! This is your Allergy Alert letting you know that allergy conditions in your area have reached a medium to highrange.

---------------------------------

Forecast for BALTIMORE, MD (on a scale of 1-12):

Today's allergy levels: Thursday - 9.1/High-Medium

Today's predominant pollen: Ragweed, Grass and Chenopods.

Tomorrow's allergy levels: Friday - 9.7/High"

dagnabbit! make sure you have your phasers set for kill to take care of those chenopods...

freaking mutant caterpillar

2006-08-13T14:07:00.000-07:00

so i'm sitting in my chair enjoying the appropriate sunday afternoon beverage. i love the wild kingdom and all that, but when i felt a hyperderimic-like sensation in the underneath of my right arm i knew something was amiss.

WTF??? little mutant caterpillar from hell covered with arm-puncturers?

this is what it looked like before is smoooshed it. now i suspect an entimologist will tell me it's an endangered species. armus puncturus uselus smooshedus.

pennsylvania drivers in the city: discuss...

2006-08-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

now listen, i like pennsylvania and the people that live there a whole lot. i love that i can drive north a little bit and be in the horsey, cowey, whoopie pie, agricultural, snack food factory, antiquey countryside.

so i feel bad when i see their license plates in the city here and cringe. am i seeing something others don't? is it just that they're not used to city driving? are they thinking a gangsta is gonna carjack them on lombard street? am i just full of scrapple?

do you know the fate of fool's fate?

2006-08-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

okay, i feel funny asking, but i guess i'm curious / worried about a fool's fate? hers was the very first baltimore blog i got when i googled, and i must admit reading it has become part of my daily blog reading routine. june 21, "so long, and thanks for all the fish"? - that's from hitchhikers guide four-part trilogy... is this really goodbye? was she really a dolphin?

wtf with the phones bolted to people's heads?

2006-08-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

is it just me or is there something creepy about the cellphones folks have stuffed in their ears? is it that the gesture of answering a phone and raising it to your ear is no longer necessary? so conceivably rudeness is now instantenous ~ if i'm talking to you and you get a call, you will start talking to them, boom goes the dynamite. yippee for technology.

hooters in my head

2006-08-02T05:55:00.000-07:00

yaargh, and i don't mean the waitresses with the nice personalities in the tight shirts, it's the one-hit-wonder 80's band. and i haven't even heard this song recently... why de heck do i have "and we danced" in my head? batsprat.

kvetch me if you can

2006-07-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

alright, my original blog was intended to be a diversion from the majority of "(variable) sucks" blogs out there. to maintain that content, this is the blog where i complain about crap. eff yew.